have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
