Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
God, I missed his penis.
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