the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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