wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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