Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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