You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
