I skipped work to stalk him.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
