smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
