I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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