does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
