tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
