i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
