if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
