this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
