On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
is that a dick in a sweater?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
