the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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