How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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