Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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