I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
