Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
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you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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