why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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