Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
