my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
