Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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