i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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