His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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