my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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