you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
