Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
