oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
