Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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