Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
