Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
