Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
