No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
