I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
