it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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