You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
