We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
