you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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