we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
