What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
