whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
