Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
