Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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