its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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