I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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