I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
