based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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