Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
