Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
