I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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