My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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