first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
